Reed and I are 1 month away from being in York for a year. It is totally blowing my mind.
I can't believe that I've been a college graduate and a small town stay at home wife for a YEAR!
I've shared some of my struggle with coming to terms with being a stay at home wife, and trusting that this is where we should be. Here are a few posts you may remember, or be interested in if you wanna see my many lessons I've learned from the Boondocks: Soul Settling, Blessings Poured Out, A Walk To the Mail Box, What Am I Doing with My Life? there are more but you get the gist of it with these :)
The common theme with all of these posts is learning to let go and trust God. Obviously, it's a hard lesson for me to learn because I post about it at least once a quarter which means I'm feeling it A LOT! Surprise surprise, here is another post about what the Lord is teaching me by making me wait to find a job!
Today I got the news that the 3rd job that I have been head over heels for fell through. And what really stinks about this is that it had nothing to do with my ability to do the job, the decisions was made for me because of timing. I just missed the test I needed for qualifications, my season of life is busy and this test wasn't going to budge to let me fit it in. Do you know how heart wrenching it is to know you can't even be qualified for a great job that you would love, all because you have a busy summer and can't fit in the test that you KNOW you would pass? Yep, it basically sucks.
I cried. Hard. Harder than I've cried in a really long time. I'm tired of waiting. I mean I just said it's been A YEAR!! Was this in my plan? Sitting around at home for a year? Nope, no where close to my plan and neither was it being so hard to find a job. But I already talked about my pride when it came to the job search (here). So I felt like I learned a lot, the first 2 no's I got from jobs that I was actually excited for hurt, but not this bad because I knew something better was coming. But man this one blows. Like couldn't breath I was crying so hard. I WANT A JOB!!!
So all that to say, I'm still not ok with it. It still hurts A LOT. But luckily God has placed some amazing people in my life, and I want to share with you some of the encouragement I received.
Mind blown right? Yeah, my friends are pretty awesome, and they are the best at making sure I keep my head and heart in the right spot. Then after I picked myself up off the bed and made myself go on a drive I was listening to some praise and worship music. And I realized, in one of my posts last October (Bring Joy To You) I asked for this. All last fall I ASKED for God to let me give Him my all. I wanted to nothing unless it was for His glory. I even had songs that I sang for months that said nothing but "My whole life is yours, I give it all, surrender to your name, and forever I will pray HAVE YOUR WAY" I was practically begging God to take my life and make it what He wanted.
Well, now He is having His way. And again I sit here sad because it isn't how I planned it. I mean really?! What the heck is wrong with me, I asked God to open my heart and take control of my life and He did! He is not letting my plans go forward and He is forcing me to say "Give me faith to trust what you say that you're good and your love is great" I hope I can trust Him in this time. I hope that this song becomes my anthem for this season. I may be ready to get a job, and help support my family but obviously there is something different that God has for me.
"I need you to soften my heart
to break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
to see that you're shaping my life
All I am
Give me faith to trust what you say
that you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heart
to break me apart
I need you to pierce through the dark
and cleanse every part of me
I may be weak
but Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will"
I hope this post can be encouraging for some of you. Maybe you needed to hear this song, or hear that someone else is just as lost feeling as you. I've got no idea what it is that I am supposed to be doing, but I know I begged God to do His will, and He is. I just don't understand it yet.